Squidward's Thoughts

I was thrilled when executive producer Zach Horowitz told me I would be able to have a starring role in an episode that didn’t involve me getting stung by a jellyfish.  Well, naturally I agreed.  After the nightmare of the “Jellyfishing” episode I was eager to show my talent and my winning personality in an episode that truly captured the essence of Squidward.

Well, I was silly to trust Horowitz.  The episode began with Spongebob and Patrick whispering sweet nothings to each other through bubbles.  Horowitz told me that in order to create some drama, I should interfere.  With all the many times they interfered in my life, I figured that sending out some “nasty bubbles” would be entertaining…and great for ratings.

One would think that after ruining so many of my days, Spongebob and Patrick would be able to take a joke. Well, these two class-A morons can dish it but they can’t take it.  My jokes were pretty harmless too.  ”If I had a dollar for every brain you don’t have, I’d have one dollar.”  Seriously?  This comment brought these two pussies to tears. 

Little did I realize that after their “friendship” was destroyed, they would choose a new best friend…me.

Let me tell you, there is nothing worse than being pursued by two asexual sea creatures with Peter Pan complexes.  First, Patrick “saved my life” when I began choking on a fork.  I will hand it to him that he did a decent job performing CPR, but I’m still trying to forget what his saliva tastes like.

Next thing you know, Patrick has latched onto me, but can’t even stay awake while I play Solitude in E Minor!  Amateur.

Spongebob, clearly unaware of how to play any musical instrument, came into my house and destroyed my cello in a fit of rage.  Seriously?  He’s lucky I didn’t sue.  If it weren’t for Horowitz, I wouldn’t have gotten a replacement cello.  It was still only the first season and Horowitz had to fork over at least $20K to replace things that Spongebob had broken.

Before long, Patrick is hiding in my bathtub, Spongebob is peeking on me in the shower, and I can’t get a moment’s peace.  I knew the producers were lying, per usual.  But as long as they were forking over the cash, I couldn’t complain.

At the end of the episode, the $20K Spongebob cost the team in damages was quadrupled—literally—when he and Patrick went on a soda binge.  They rekindled their friendship (like I care…whoohoo) but completely destroyed my house with a multitude of bubbles.

Yeah.  So thanks to the producers, Spongebob and Patrick are friends again—and I’m homeless, moaning that my back hurts.  And they wonder why I seem so grumpy all the time!

After a few episodes, the producers decided there wasn’t enough “conflict” in the show and they needed someone to make an antagonist out of.  Of course, my reaction was just one of confusion.  I was the antagonist.  I didn’t want to be, but I was.  And that explained why the producers kept telling Spongebob to do such heinous things to me whenever the cameras were around.

But anyway, our executive producer met with an aspiring restaurateur hoping to be the next Anthony Bourdain.  They knew he had no hope, so they just figured he’d make a funny addition to the show.  

Because Plankton wanted to go for that “evil, rude chef” kind of thing, he decided to make his whole schtick the stealing of the Krabby Patty formula.  Makes sense.  This episode began with him doing exactly that, but failing, as the producers warned Mr. Krabs of his intentions to hide in a Krabby Patty.

To get closer to the formula, Plankton convinced Spongebob that they were friends.  Of course, Spongebob will take attention no matter where it comes from, but after his good old ego boost, he denied Plankton a Krabby Patty.

Now, this is where it just gets creepy.  I guess one of our producers had just seen The Exoricist and decided a classic possession would be ideal for the episode.  I actually feel a little bad for Spongebob, because they actually had Plankton go inside his brain, put in a mind control device, and control him to make him walk to the Krusty Krab, steal a Krabby Patty, with the hopes of gaining the formula.

Well, of course, everything worked out for Spongebob.  As usual.  He began acting like an attention whore, weeping and talking about how delicious a Krabby Patty is (it’s a fucking burger, and you basically work at McDonald’s…none of this is a big deal).  Plankton, so excited to hear about how good the burger tastes, fell onto the burger and then fell into his machine which reads the ingredients of anything, which claimed he was 1% evil and 99% hot gas.

And once again, Spongebob is the hero.  I know this song and dance too well.

The episode “Jellyfishing” was possibly the worst Spongebob episode I’ve been in so far.  I’m still in therapy, talking about the grim events that took place in this 15-minute segment of horror.

It all started when Spongebob and Patrick asked me to go jellyfishing with them.  Per usual, I declined.  However, as I was riding my bike later, a jellyfish (which I suspect the producers released and angered) jumped down my throat, literally, and caused me to have an accident, which confined me to a wheelchair. 

Naturally, Spongebob and Patrick were ignorant enough to assume that I needed a “best day ever” jellyfishing expedition.  I was in a full body cast, in a wheelchair,a nd they thought I would benefit from a sport which almost definitely requires you to b able to walk. 

Of course, because my hands were entirely covered in cast, I wasn’t able to hold the jellyfishing rod.  Patrick just wasn’t having it.  Dumb as ever, be became outraged that I wasn’t able to hold the rod, and shouted “FIRMLY GRASP IT! while stabbing my hand with the jellyfishing rod—let me just tell you, when you’re already in pain and someone stabs you with a blunt object, it’s not pleasant.  I still have a scar there—and as you may notice, the producers never show that hand of mine in any future Spongebob episodes.  This incident rendered me handicapped, and currently, I park in the handicapped spot at the Krusty Krab, just in case nobody believes me.

Things only got worse from there.  I decided to play along with the whole jellyfishing thing after a jellyfish stung me.  Well, this angered a “queen jellyfish”, who basically electrocuted me.

And there I was, on life support.  You heard me right.  These buffoons and their ideas nearly killed me. Naturally, I felt angry, so to pay them back, I opened a jar which contained a jellyfish, hoping that they’d be stung just a little bit, if only to show them the pain and suffering they caused me.  

Then, as I’m sure producer Ben Leibowitz planned, the queen jellyfish returned, only to sting me, destroy my life support, and leave me completely blackened.  For anyone who says being in a reality show is an easy way to fame, you clearly haven’t heard my side of the story.

In the episode, “Ripped Pants”, I learned just how far Spongebob would go for ratings.

The producers really wanted the show to remain family-friendly, which I understood. But they thought a little bawdy humor on Spongebob’s part would be a good idea.  Can I just point out that while everyone got so excited over Spongebob ripping his pants, nobody cares about the fact that I’ve literally never worn pants?

Anyway, the episode begins with Spongebob trying to impress everyone on the beach, being an attention whore as usual.  When he bends over to pick up a stick, he rips his pants, gets embarrassed, and rushes off.

Seriously?  He’s wearing underwear! And how the hell does he have sleeves when he isn’t wearing a shirt?

Anyway, the producers told Spongebob that his ripped pants faux-pas would actually help ratings, so they told him to exploit it.  And exploit he did.  Spongebob basically spent the entire episode talking about his ripped pants, finding ways to rip his pants, and here’s the annoying part—everyone thought it was funny. Is that what we’ve become?  People who laugh when someone rips their pants for the fifteenth time?

So Spongebob evidently decided he wasn’t getting enough attention, so he pretended to drown, only to shock everyone by making a joke about ripping his pants, right when they thought he was nearing his death.  That’s just pathological.

Instead of just moving on, Spongebob tried to get more attention by starting a band with other losers on the beach, to moan and complain about how his friendship with Sandy was ruined because he pretended he was dying—how could he even pity himself for a second?  That was an insane thing to do.

The episode, Bubblestand, really brought to life just how much the producers were seeking to make me look like the antagonist.  Because apparently, if you’re a grown man who doesn’t know how to blow bubbles, there’s something wrong with you.

This episode began when Spongebob, delusional as ever, thought he could actually charge people for “bubble blowing lessons”.  Seriously.

Also, did I mention that his construction of the stand completely woke me up?  It was 7 AM on a Saturday, and I had worked the late shift the night before.  I wasn’t thrilled about all this, as you can imagine, so I told him to be quiet.

Now, Spongebob began teaching Patrick how to blow bubbles.  Of course, Patrick proved himself to be completely inept in this regard, per usual:

Now, once again, Spongebob began to harass me.  After showing Patrick his weird “technique” for blowing bubbles, he blew up a giant elephant bubble, which floated into my window and destroyed my furniture.  Thank goodness the producers offered to pay for the cost of replacing everything, or I would have thrown much more of a fit.

Now, I knew Patrick and Spongebob were horrible neighbors, but until this day, I didn’t realize they were also con-men.  They used carney-like tricks in order to get me to pay them quarter upon quarter, as I was understandably desperate to prove to them that anyone could blow a bubble without some outrageous technique.

Then, I will admit, I did the technique.  The producers had been begging me to do it.  One of them in particular, Zach Bergowitz, told me time and time again, “Come on Squiddy, just do the technique.  We just want to see you do it once—the ratings will be better than ever!  Our panel shows that you test well with men aged thirty to fifty-five, and this is what thy want to see!”

So, alas, I did it.

However, I was so furious with myself that after attempting this insane technique, I began screaming into the bubble wand.  Oh, let’s think of what I might have been angry about:

• Living in a street with only two other people, and nobody else within miles.
• Working at a fast food restaurant in my mid-thirties.
• Being single, afraid that my coming out of the closet will force me to resign to a life of flamboyance and stereotype, like Spongebob himself.
• Never owning a pair of pants

So I screamed.  And somehow, this scream blew the bubble up so large that it enclosed me and my house, and took me to the surface of the water, while Spongebob and Patrick ignorantly chanted my name.

Let me just point out that when my house came back down to the bottom of the sea, most of my belongings, including the china set my deceased mother gave me, were shattered.  The producers paid for everything, but there are some things that money can’t buy.  I’m looking at you, Ari Zeigler.

This episode showed me just how inept Spongebob was when it came to dealing with the opposite sex.  Not that it was surprising to me, anyway.

In this episode, Spongebob decides he wants to be friends with Sandy, who definitely gave off lesbian vibes to me, but who I guess Spongebob thought was straight.  Or a mother figure, I don’t know.  That kid is very messed up.

Patrick, of all people, gave him advice on seeing Sandy, telling him that he should be “fancy” when hanging out with her.  

Of course, the issue here is that Sandy lives in an air-dome, like the elitist snob she is, and so Spongebob became dehydrated to the point of speaking like an old man.  Oh, ham it up, why don’t you?  Spongebob is just such a drama queen.

Anyway, Spongebob and Patrick continue to act like maniacs until Sandy finally realizes something is wrong (Really? She is here to study under-sea beings and yet has no idea they die in the air until she sees it happening first-hand?)

Let me point out that Spongebob is just completely fishing for attention here.  The cameramen were IN the treedome filming all this.  Had Spongebob just asked them for a a water helmet, they would have made it possible.  I wouldn’t be surprised if the producers just told Spongebob it was necessary for him to almost kill himself for “viewings” to increase.  I wouldn’t be surprised.

Anyway, Spongebob is successfully “friend zoned” at the end of the episode, and then goes home with Patrick, to do God knows what.

It was the second episode of “Spongebob Squarepants”, called “Reef Blower”, which really opened my eyes up to the fact that Spongebob was being paid to harass me.

So basically, Spongebob was messing around with his reef blower.  Figures he can’t own anything without turning it into a weird obsession—don’t remind me of “Slide Whistle Stooges”.  Ugh.

Instead of Spongebob keeping this weird fascination to himself, he decided to involve Patrick.  Normally I wouldn’t mind this, as it means they’re out of my hair and by themselves.  However, the minute Patrick gets involved, the two of them somehow think it’s a good idea to involve me.  Despite the fact that I’ve made it extremely clear that I don’t want to play with them.

You will not believe what they did next.  I had to spend a week in the ER after the filming of this episode getting facial reconstructive surgery.  They actually sucked the features off of my face, using the reef blower.  What kind of sick torture is this?  I just…I can’t even.  The producers compensated me by paying my hospital bills, but I really don’t think that’s enough.  I wanted to press charges, but they warned me that the show would end, and therefore, I wouldn’t be paid anymore.  And then my house would be foreclosed.  Not my cup of tea.

We begin with the first episode of “Spongebob Squarepants”.  The producers were following Spongebob around to show his application process at the Krusty Krab.  Of course, since he’s been my neighbor for a long time, I didn’t want him to also begin working with me.

First of all, can someone say co-dependance?  Spongebob can’t even go to a job interview at a fast food restaurant, without his “best friend” (I have my own theory on this) Patrick Starr, cheering him on.  

When Spongebob arrived, Mr. Krabs, my boss, asked me if he was a good fit.  And what was I to say?  We are talking about Spongebob, here…someone so unstable that he sleeps with shoes and socks on, and has been in “boating school” for years.  I didn’t want this type of person working with me—and could you blame me?

Basically, Spongebob is completely insane.  I told Mr. Krabs kindly, “no”.  I didn’t think Spongebob was a good fit for the job.  As you can see here, I knew this would be a problem from the second I saw the “Help Wanted” sign on the door:

Mr. Krabs decided to let Spongebob down easy by telling him to get a fancy spatula, which we both thought didn’t exist.  Well, for some reason, Spongebob managed to find one (I’m pretty sure the producers supplied him with one). When he arrived, the Krusty Krab was being overtaken by a group of ravenous anchovies, all of whom wanted Krabby Patties.

I’m not even going to touch on the fact that the Krusty Krab was somehow operating without a fry cook before Spongebob came around.  To be honest, I don’t know who was flipping the burgers before then.  I never paid much attention.

Either way, I’ll give Spongebob the credit that he did, in fact, feed all of the anchovies.  But to what end?  They are just bound to come back.  Spongebob negotiated with terrorists, and that’s exactly why I knew he was a poor fit.  Spongebob gave in, once again, overly eager to please.

Of course, Mr. Krabs was “impressed” with this.  He gave Spongebob the job.  And suddenly, my only place of peace was once again infiltrated.  

Hello, tumblr.  It is I, Squidward Tentacles.  I’ve noticed that many of my actions as shown in the reality show, “Spongebob Squarepants”, portray me as the antagonist.  I can only assume this was the fault of the producers.  

I am a normal, thirty-seven-year-old man.  I’m single, and have basically given up on love.  At this point, my main sources of enjoyment are music, art, and other humanities.  I have no idea whatsoever how someone like myself could be portrayed as the antagonist.  Needless to say, I’m baffled as to how the protagonist of “Spongebob Squarepants” is someone who is borderline retarded, breaks into his neighbor’s home, cries upon stubbing his toe, and cannot drive.

Spongebob Squarepants is everything that is wrong with society.  Not only is he completely oblivious that other people dislike him, but he is a complete disgrace to the town of Bikini Bottom.

And while I’m on the subject, the show “Spongebob Squarepants” has done little for Bikini Bottom, as it originally promised.  The intention of the producers was to create a serious, educational reality show about the working class in a tropical town, not to mention the corrupt food service industry.  I normally disdain reality TV, but this seemed like a serious project.  Plus, they offered to pay me.  How else do you think I’m able to live in a two-story house, while working as a cashier?  The only reason I’m doing this after a decade plus is the money.

Spongebob, on the other hand, genuinely enjoys being the star of reality television, and is a complete fame whore.  His goofy yellow face has been plastered all over everything—just because he acts like an idiot.  And yet, here I am, displaying my talent and expertise in every episode, and what do I get?

I get disturbing “fan art” like this:

So, I’m here to set the record straight.  ”Spongebob Squarepants” has set out to exploit a tropical community, make the village dunce a celebrity, and completely neglect the “thinkers” like myself.

Here is my side of the story.