I was thrilled when executive producer Zach Horowitz told me I would be able to have a starring role in an episode that didn’t involve me getting stung by a jellyfish. Well, naturally I agreed. After the nightmare of the “Jellyfishing” episode I was eager to show my talent and my winning personality in an episode that truly captured the essence of Squidward.
Well, I was silly to trust Horowitz. The episode began with Spongebob and Patrick whispering sweet nothings to each other through bubbles. Horowitz told me that in order to create some drama, I should interfere. With all the many times they interfered in my life, I figured that sending out some “nasty bubbles” would be entertaining…and great for ratings.
One would think that after ruining so many of my days, Spongebob and Patrick would be able to take a joke. Well, these two class-A morons can dish it but they can’t take it. My jokes were pretty harmless too. ”If I had a dollar for every brain you don’t have, I’d have one dollar.” Seriously? This comment brought these two pussies to tears.
Little did I realize that after their “friendship” was destroyed, they would choose a new best friend…me.
Let me tell you, there is nothing worse than being pursued by two asexual sea creatures with Peter Pan complexes. First, Patrick “saved my life” when I began choking on a fork. I will hand it to him that he did a decent job performing CPR, but I’m still trying to forget what his saliva tastes like.
Next thing you know, Patrick has latched onto me, but can’t even stay awake while I play Solitude in E Minor! Amateur.
Spongebob, clearly unaware of how to play any musical instrument, came into my house and destroyed my cello in a fit of rage. Seriously? He’s lucky I didn’t sue. If it weren’t for Horowitz, I wouldn’t have gotten a replacement cello. It was still only the first season and Horowitz had to fork over at least $20K to replace things that Spongebob had broken.
Before long, Patrick is hiding in my bathtub, Spongebob is peeking on me in the shower, and I can’t get a moment’s peace. I knew the producers were lying, per usual. But as long as they were forking over the cash, I couldn’t complain.
At the end of the episode, the $20K Spongebob cost the team in damages was quadrupled—literally—when he and Patrick went on a soda binge. They rekindled their friendship (like I care…whoohoo) but completely destroyed my house with a multitude of bubbles.
Yeah. So thanks to the producers, Spongebob and Patrick are friends again—and I’m homeless, moaning that my back hurts. And they wonder why I seem so grumpy all the time!