The episode, Bubblestand, really brought to life just how much the producers were seeking to make me look like the antagonist. Because apparently, if you’re a grown man who doesn’t know how to blow bubbles, there’s something wrong with you.
This episode began when Spongebob, delusional as ever, thought he could actually charge people for “bubble blowing lessons”. Seriously.
Also, did I mention that his construction of the stand completely woke me up? It was 7 AM on a Saturday, and I had worked the late shift the night before. I wasn’t thrilled about all this, as you can imagine, so I told him to be quiet.
Now, Spongebob began teaching Patrick how to blow bubbles. Of course, Patrick proved himself to be completely inept in this regard, per usual:
Now, once again, Spongebob began to harass me. After showing Patrick his weird “technique” for blowing bubbles, he blew up a giant elephant bubble, which floated into my window and destroyed my furniture. Thank goodness the producers offered to pay for the cost of replacing everything, or I would have thrown much more of a fit.
Now, I knew Patrick and Spongebob were horrible neighbors, but until this day, I didn’t realize they were also con-men. They used carney-like tricks in order to get me to pay them quarter upon quarter, as I was understandably desperate to prove to them that anyone could blow a bubble without some outrageous technique.
Then, I will admit, I did the technique. The producers had been begging me to do it. One of them in particular, Zach Bergowitz, told me time and time again, “Come on Squiddy, just do the technique. We just want to see you do it once—the ratings will be better than ever! Our panel shows that you test well with men aged thirty to fifty-five, and this is what thy want to see!”
So, alas, I did it.
However, I was so furious with myself that after attempting this insane technique, I began screaming into the bubble wand. Oh, let’s think of what I might have been angry about:
- Living in a street with only two other people, and nobody else within miles.
- Working at a fast food restaurant in my mid-thirties.
- Being single, afraid that my coming out of the closet will force me to resign to a life of flamboyance and stereotype, like Spongebob himself.
- Never owning a pair of pants
So I screamed. And somehow, this scream blew the bubble up so large that it enclosed me and my house, and took me to the surface of the water, while Spongebob and Patrick ignorantly chanted my name.
Let me just point out that when my house came back down to the bottom of the sea, most of my belongings, including the china set my deceased mother gave me, were shattered. The producers paid for everything, but there are some things that money can’t buy. I’m looking at you, Ari Zeigler.